This morning I received a phone call from a concerned neighbor. She was shocked to see me.
"Martyn, are you Ok?" she asked. "Yeah, I'm Ok, why?" I replied. "No, you look sick," she said. "Aunty I'm not sick. May be I'm dying." I laughed and reassured her that I was Ok and thanked her for her concern. "Please send me some credits!" I quipped and ended the call.
I was horrified. I went into my room and looked in the mirror. I had definitely lost a lot of weight. The two main factors I identified were diet and stress.
Ever since I dropped out of medical school I have been depressed. I feel ashamed to use resources at home. I feel that I've wasted a lot already. I can't chat with my mum and dad or look them in the eye anymore. I am a disgrace. I've just wasted a lot of his money. What a horrible waste of resources I have been.
I don't ask my parents for money. It's shameful. That is why each night I make ice blocks to sell. In the morning I sell betel nut, ice blocks and cigarettes on the street. In between I write my blog posts.
There are days when I get into arguments with my mum. They're horrible. I never feel good about them. I know she loves me but. I can understand her frustrations - I am a liability at home.
Then there are moments each day. I see people and cars passing by to work and I reflect upon my pathetic state of affairs. I know I cannot sell betel nuts forever and my parents won't be around forever either. I just cannot see anything for me in the horizon. It's like being caught between a rock and a hard place in the dark. The future is void and formless.
In this state of decay, I believe my body is shutting down. In biology there is a process called apoptosis- programmed cell death. Each cell in the human body has a lifespan after which it shuts down- it commits suicide. When for some reason the cells become immortal this is referred to as cancer.
I also recall a recent incident in Afghanistan where a bomb detecting dog was said to have died of a broken heart after its handler died as a result of an IED (Improvised Explosive Device) explosion. While I do believe it would be unscientific to correlate this event with what I'm experiencing, it is a sobering thought.
There are many things about nature that science has yet to understand. What is life? Science has not defined what life is. Death on the other hand is the absence of life. What causes inanimate matter to be animated and maintain a homeostatic state? What creates order out of chaos? One thing I do know is that my life is in chaos and the chaos may reach its climax sooner rather than later.